Dating is haram, but I want to date and fall in love with the man I will marry
Question
Hi! I recently graduated from high school. Alhamdulillah I have been raised in a good Muslim family. I know that in Islam there are supposed to be big limits on male-female relations. I am having trouble understanding what is so wrong with dating a guy you love until you both are ready for marriage?
My dad always says "It is haram in Islam to date". Yet I feel like I want to know the guy and love him before I marry him. I cannot do this in a way that my family has to sit and watch us. I think that is uncomfortable. I do not cross my limits, but I do not see such a big problem with getting to know a guy.
Date:23/Jul/2002
Name of Counsellor/IOL Counseling Team
Your father is right but you also have some valid concerns. You see, Islam forbids pre-marital relations of any kind partly because there is no contractual commitment between the two people who are dating. So, your father is right, dating is forbidden in Islam. As we said, you also have valid concerns.
In order to get married, it is better to know the person or at least know as much about them as possible to help you make an informed decision. Wanting more information about a future spouse is acceptable but it is almost impossible to argue that you should love a person before you get married to them. Why? There is sufficient proof in the case of the non-Muslim population in America that dating and falling in love before marriage has not guaranteed a solid marital relationship and on the contrary results in far greater number of divorces.
In the process of falling in love before marriage, one is bound to violate Islamic guidelines on male female interaction. Of course, as you said, you do not cross the limits, but in reality, we have direct experience counseling young people who have said that exact same thing you are saying and then ended up committing sins they never imagined they were capable of committing. Are we trying to scare you? No. We are just giving you a reality check. Even if you do not cross your limits, what guarantee do you have that the man you want to marry will not cross his limits? What if you fall in love and then he takes off? Why would he stay if there is no contractual commitment for him to stay?
Think about this very carefully. If you do date, fall in love and then things do not work out, of course, you will break off with that guy. After sometime, you will try again. You will have not crossed your limits all that time. But what if the guy you want to date has actually crossed the limits with another girl, and then broke up with her. Would you really be willing to accept someone who has dated another girl before he starts dating you? Where would that cycle end of dating, falling in love, breaking up, and then dating, falling in love again?
You sound like a young woman who knows reality. Yes, it is uncomfortable to get to know a young man if your parents are right there watching you. But think of it this way: if you can struggle through this process, seek the help and advice of your parents about the character of the guy you want to marry, and then, marry him if you like, there are lesser chances that your marriage will have difficulties than if you date him alone. Believe it or not, your parents and family members will be of great help because they might see or sense things about the potential candidate that you completely overlook. It's better to have their help now then to regret it later!
Insha'allah, things will work out well for you. Resist the temptation to date or to fall in love before marriage. Allah (Swt) has already written what is to happen for you in the future and with sufficient du'a, insha'allah you will be granted a husband who is a blessing for your faith, family, and future. And Allah (Swt) knows best.
